Nashville to VEGAS BABY VEGAS

Apologies on the delay. You would not believe how hard it is to find Internet between Nashville and San Francisco, and by hard I mean easy and by find I mean go out of my way to blog. Actually that doesn’t make sense (how easy it is to go out of my way to blog) I am trying to say how it’s easy to find Internet but it’s hard to actually make time to do this, except I am not even half as witty as I think I am, or am only saying how un-witty I am in an effort to be even more witty, perhaps I am the wittiest person I know, or you know, or have ever read for that matter.

(While I wrote this a couple days ago, I am posting it now. Fuck the space time continuum, I’m actually in Vancouver, WA)

I am writing this while lying down on a hotel bed in the lustrous Renoir Hotel of San Francisco with the overwhelming smell (I would say stench, but that is degrading) of cheap stripper perfume clogging my nostrils. Yes, I went to a strip club. If you are wondering why San Fran and not Las Vegas or even Los Angeles, then you and me are thinking the same thing. Sorry mom, dad, my sisters, grandmother, new puppy, all uncles, aunts, cousins and friends, future employers, girlfriends, rabbis, ancestors, and all cute fuzzy animals.

Question: How did I find myself at the Market Street Cinema strip club at 3:30am on a Tuesday?
Answer: Read the rest of this blog.
Advice: NEVER GO TO A STRIP CLUB AT 3:30 AM ON A TUESDAY.

We leave Nashville, fucking finally. A quick jaunt takes us through Memphis, across the mighty Mississippi and into Arkansas. Only 4 things of any interest happen in Arkansas.
1.) We pass as school bus pulling a truck (pictures on facebook)
2.) Urinals of stainless steel in the rest area.
3.) Gas stations have slot machine, lotto things in them.
4.) We get an Arkansas magnet with Bill Clinton on it.

If you were given the task of naming the town on the Texas and Arkansas border what name would you come up with? If you came up with Texarkana, then you are correct. We get to Dallas at 2am. It is roughly 10 or so minutes later when passing a bar we hear our first racist remark. It is involving a group of girls who just got into a bar fight. 10 minutes later I witness my first drunk Texan run himself head first into a fence. 5 minutes later this same Texan is sitting in the living room of the house we are staying at firing a shotgun into the ceiling (editors note; the shotgun wasn’t loaded).
Leave Dallas the next afternoon. Get to New Mexico, cross most of it during the night. Motel room in Gallup. Mint on the pillow. Wait, that’s not a mint, that’s a roach. Sleep in my sleeping bag on the bed.
Cross Arizona the next day. Land is most beautiful I’ve seen so far. Indian reservations are like a third world country.
Grand Canyon is grand.
Zion national park. Most beautiful place I have ever seen. Angel’s Landing. Best hike I have ever been on.
Finally see my first Desert between Zion and Vegas. Temperature is 113. Get to Las Vegas. Get lost in parking garage. Get lunch in food court of mall. See hottest pregnant woman I have ever seen. So much for eating a five star meal at Emeril’s Restaurant. Get to strip. Get lost in Treasure Island Casino. Buy a margarita in a skull. Walk down strip. It is 107 degrees, with humidity and a hot smoggy wind. Collect hooker business cards. Trade them with children. Play the game “Did he pay for that” with Eric. Get to Caesar’s Palace. I want to place a 10-dollar Roulette bet on the day number of our road trip (8) and the color red. ATM charges 5-dollar surcharge fee, and I can only get chips at the table.
Open note to the Caesar’s Casino.

To Whom It May Concern:
Recently I came to your casino to place a bet on the Roulette tables. However I found myself quite inconvenienced and unable to place my bet. So if you don’t want my business then my business you shant receive. You will be sorry you didn’t facilitate my 10-dollar roulette bet.

Sincerely,
Jake “rich mutha fucka” Frank

See woman who has shat herself. Leave Vegas. Get to LA. Part 2 will probably be posted by tomorrow morning. Part 2 will cover LA to Vancouver WA.